It's Time for Toxic Colleague Removal

People say there's one at every workplace - a psycho colleague. And we definitely do have a bona fide one at the deli.

I have only casually mentioned her in passing before, because I've been trying to ignore her existence. But lately, her Britney Spears-esque antics have been fascinating me for all the wrong reasons and I thought I might just post my rant on here to share the amusing story with the rest of the world.

This colleague, whom I shall call Psycho Girl (PG for short), came with the shop when my friends took over from the previous owner, who was evidently hallucinating or amply bribed, told them that she is a good worker, well-liked by the regulars, and that they'd be silly to let her go. Now, that's the biggest load of codswallop I've heard, because not only is she rude and surly both to the customers and her colleagues, she's also unprofessional, lazy, volatile, irrational, erratic, unpredictable, generally emotinally unsound and has wild mood swings that make me wonder if she's got the world's worst case of perpetual PMS. She thinks nothing of behaving like a 3-year old with severe disciplinary problems whenever people breathe in the wrong direction, then expects them to like her back!

The photo is obviously not of hers, but it bears such an uncanny resemblance to PG - I'd say they were twins separated at birth.

My friends discovered that they were colossally duped the day they took over, but it was too late; she knew all the ins and outs of the shop, and the previous owner taught them nothing, saying that the PG would pass on the information. But being the deeply unpleasant person that she is, PG used that knowledge as leverage to stay employed. My friends began looking for her replacement immediately, but they had to learn about the shop on their own first so that they could properly train the next person. I came in to fill in the gap while they did that. They finally found another lady who is a friend of a friend with no known psychological issues. She starts next week and I can't tell you how much everyone is looking forward to that.

PG seems to develop an instant infatuation with every male customer with a heart beat, and shamelessly flirts with the startled victims. When her attempts fail (the failure rate currently stands at 100% ) she bursts into tears. She also lives with this delusion that every male customer has a crush on her. When one regular customer brought his new girlfriend to the store, she became enraged and threw the change at the confused guy, and hissed at the girlfriend.

For self-protection reasons, I stayed away from her as much as possible and tried to have minimal contact since I joined the deli. Fortunately, I'm rarely on the same shift as she is, but the chef and the kitchen hand are constantly exposed to her bizarre behaviour and they vent like there is no tomorrow as soon as she goes home. The regulars, various suppliers, the owner, colleagues and even the posties unanimously detest her guts. It's quite amazing - I've never known anyone who is so intensely disliked so universally apart from George W Bush. And even he has supporters.

Both the chef and my friend (the owner) have both been bear hugged by her for no apparent reason, much to their horror. While they have been scarred for life, they are coming to terms with it by telling themselves and anyone who cares to listen that it was a bad dream.

The kitchen hand boy was subjected to her blatant seduction, complete with an unflattering low-cut top and a piece of ribbon masquerading as a skirt on his second shift. If this were anyone else, I'm pretty sure that he'd have taken up her offer, but this was PG. His self-preservation machanism kicked in, and he turned her down. Since then, this thick air of animosity sits between the two of them.

We're all painfully aware that she has sexually harassed her male colleagues and the morale is down whenever she is about. With the new lady starting, the boss is going to hand an official marching order to PG tomorrow.

I won't be there to witness the bloodbath that is sure to follow, but I do fear for my boss's and colleagues' safety and I hope they will survive her fury in one piece.
Fingers crossed.

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Deli's Best Selling Drinks in December 2007

1. Coca-Cola (Coca-cola Amatil)
2. Zero Coke (Coca-cola Amatil)
3. Diet Coke (Coca-cola Amatil)
4. Farmers Union Iced Coffee (Farmers Union)
5. Vanilla Coke (Coca-Cola Amatil)
6. Solo (Cadbury Schwepps)
7. Mount Franklin Spring Water (Coca-Cola Amatil)
8. Peach Iced Tea (Lipton)
9. Red Bull (Red Bull GmbH)
10. Feel Good Coffee (Farmers Union)